Psalm 118, A Confession

I  have a small confession to share: I've never done well with verses like the one above.

For better or worse, I resist the idea of having to "whip up" joy about something upon demand--even something as good and excellent as God.  Is that pride in my heart? Shortsighted balking that I was not the originator of the emotion or idea?  Perhaps...

Perhaps it's the lack of context.  Perhaps it's the perky song that reverberates in the back of my mind when this verses is isolated within a song, and I feel that I must drum up joy. I don't like singing about something I don't FEEL necessarily at the moment...for me it causes too much disconnect between my mouth and my mind. I'm not even feeling harmonious at that point, never mind like rejoicing.

Today is today.  It will have some high points.  It will have some low points.  I have seen enough grief to know that life is a vapor and to appreciate the value of today.  But rejoice?  This "rejoicing" sounds like it should be filled with fervor and zeal.  What does that look like?  I generally reserve rejoicing for special occasions.  Am I glad to be alive?  Do I appreciate the food on our table?  Am I glad that today is here? Glad that I am living?  Yes, I am glad and thankful in all these things...but again, what am I to make of this call for"rejoicing"? 

Interestingly, Spurgeon sees this verse as a commentary on the Sabbath:

"We ought to be specially joyous on the Sabbath: it is the queen of days, and its hours should be clad in royal apparel of delight. George Herbert says of it: - 

“Thou art a day of mirth,
And where the week-days trail on ground,
Thy flight is higher as thy birth.”

Celebration of the Sabbath--how to properly celebrate God on this day, the extent to which I am to abstain from "work," are other unclear areas of my walk.  It seems to me that there is so much work and hustle about getting to church, serving in church, being tired from the activity of church, and then the preparations of the coming week seem to consume my mind if not my physical being for the remainder of Sunday.  Do I rejoice in the Sabbath?  Good question.  Again--what does that "look like?"

Here's another one that is even harder for me:

No surf, no butterflies, no sunrise or flowing dresses over here...

"Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to 

anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. 

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."  -Nehemiah 8:12

 Again, with the "joy"---perhaps I'm even biased against the word!  Perhaps I'm confused about what that word even means.  Joy to me leaves me feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.   It makes me feel that everyone else is leaping around in some kind of emotional fervor of joy, that they are in the midst of  holy zeal, more in touch with God, more connected, more grateful. 

Maybe it's just my personality? I'm not an especially "joy" prone person---I appreciate things--people, places, time, moments....but I am more of a thinker, a reflector....

No conclusions here...just a small confession.