I asked some apt questions in a post last June that have been quietly waiting for me. In many senses, I could have written that post this morning--feel mostly similar about my faith journey and lived reality with the Christian church in America.
I divorced the church I knew back in 2020 during the beginning of Covid. Note--I divorced the church I knew, not The Church universal. I didn't divorce my Christian faith in Jesus or my belief in God, although there is more I don't know than I do about either. I'm still a believer as they would term it. I hold out more space and room though now for my relationship with God and others. I assume much less than I used to, have no quick answers, pause longer and wonder more.
I choose to reject the majority of the trappings and customs of my prior faith culture. It's as if I found an forgotten jacket in the attic that I can no longer relate to. It looks and feels uncomfortable, impractical, and not even warm. The jacket is not my faith, and it needs to go.
Where it feels scary is that I don't want another jacket. Instead, I long to live out my faith in a warm room where I don't need one.
This experience is not straightforward and involves a lot of questioning, rejecting, groping. I'm not looking to be a fan or a disciple of any church or man. Of God, yes. Of man, no.
It makes me feel a little better to think of John the Baptist living in the wilderness. He also was not a fan of groups or people, although he had his followers too I suppose. But, he was unconventional, on the edge. Maybe that's where I'm missing it---John surely never found a warm cozy room for his faith, but he lived it out controversially and lost his life to it.
Maybe my desire is altogether a wrong, misguided one.
I still remember when I was first contemplating Christianity and wrestling with all the man-made bastardizations that made me want to run the other way. My sister Kathy's advice was to focus on Jesus and not all the rest. I think that's still useful advice; it's not an answer, but a direction nonetheless.
I reject everything that does not make sense in light of the Jesus I've met in the pages of the Bible.
This is not a straightforward path either though. Through the years and study, I've come to recognize the that Bible is a much more complex and historical book than I've been able to grasp or understand. I hold my Bible with more wonder and more context.
Part of me feels that I've been wrestling the Bible to match my faith and wrestling my faith to match the Bible for too long. The Bible is a complex text written by hundreds of people over hundreds of years. It's not an algorithm that spits out clean cut answers and ways to follow God. It's messy too--full of narratives, histories, poems, and letters that need to be approached with wonder and a quiet openness.
Over the last year, I've spent little time in the Bible and in our Episcopal Church. This is something I hope to explore more, as these experiences have been my most obvious straightforward expressions of my Christian faith in the past.
It's too much this morning to tackle either of those thoughts, and I haven't answered my questions from last June either:
In what sense do I align myself with this local congregation? In the sense that they are a touchstone, a center point, a local manifestation of His Kingdom and a place to call home. Over time, I hope to understand pieces of this church better, to find places to serve that feel both like church and ministry.
Answer:
I align myself with this church because I respect the leadership there. They don't come to me with packaged solutions or presumption.
I align myself with their organizational posture which seeks to involve congregants in a multitude of faith expressions and communities in which to connect.
New Question--where do I feel disconnected or struggle?
Worship is foreign. Although the bones of it are familiar from my Catholic youth, the songs are awkward, and I often feel that I am trying to follow a dance I'm no good at. Awkward. I mostly feel awkward.
Is this an excuse? Is it too much to carve out time to attend the Celtic service which is easiest to follow and avoids all the pomp and circumstance of the main service?
I have time to devote to learn it. To serve. I just don't want to end up "putting time in" to "put time in." But all relationships require time and investment. No short cuts with God or people.
So maybe if I don't feel at home in the service, I find ways to connect on the edges. Ladies Bible Study was one such commitment. It feels inconvienient and sometimes awkward too, but it's also helpful and a way to connect.
I could join a knitting group. I could start a book club. I can be a Christian on the edges. More questions than answers...
