In May we joined a local Episcopal congregation officially. It was the next logical and emotional step, and I'm glad we joined. After four years of wandering, it's good to settle.
Settle in both ways? Maybe. If I'm honest, I've given up on finding any body of Christians that I can truly connect with in all ways. I find groups of Christians--and unspecific social groups in general--a lot of work. It takes a long time to know a church, a pastor, a person. So, I am content to join and slowly get to know this congregation and its people, but I am in no rush.
Last post I mentioned that I dislike the term "deconstruction" or the thought that the last five years have been about deconstructing my faith. What verb would I use instead? Assessing. Examining. Sorting. Kneading. I'm not sure still. Whatever it is, it's an active and passive process--a lot of sorting, sifting, wondering, letting things rest, picking them up again, trying new approaches, asking new and old questions in familiar and different ways. It's involved picking up some of what I learned as a Catholic, rejecting some of what I learned as a Southern Baptist. It's a broader pasture I've entered where there is less certainty, but more room for beauty and wonder. It feels roomy, a place where I can catch my breath and just begin to seek God again anew.
It's less about what the church is doing, although I identify as part of my local church. In some sense, if there is a sense in which I've taken apart my faith and put it back together again, the taking apart has involved placing aside all the crazy that I encountered as a "nondenominational" but essentially Southern Baptist Christian. I literally spent decades trying to connect with and live my faith through this culture. It's been a heavy load and journey--I'm thankful to set it down.
I'm cautious about picking up any new loads....feel pretty against any man-made or directed loads that I don't understand on a literal or metaphysical level. I'd rather experience my faith one day at a time, mostly apart from the waves and wind of cultural expectations and interpretations whether Southern Baptist or dyed in the wool Episcopal.
In what sense do I align myself with this local congregation? In the sense that they are a touchstone, a center point, a local manifestation of His Kingdom and a place to call home. Over time, I hope to understand pieces of this church better, to find places to serve that feel both like church and ministry.
