I feel the hope in Amy Peterson's reasons for going to church. Some of this hope finds a place in me abstractly, but then I think about getting dressed, getting in my cold car, and facing the awkwardness of high church and many people I still struggle to connect to. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just not the right fit for me. It's not the right fit for my husband, so that gives me another reason.
If you are curious, and for my own understanding, here are some more reasons:
*It's emotionally exhausting to try and develop relationships in an environment where people feel so focused on their "thing"--whether it be performative works or the Episcopal faith, or their own inner circle.
*I am still confused about what to do during the service. There is so much structure to an Episcopal service--the procession, the turning, the singing of complicated hymns that I don't know. There is jumping around in the Book of Common Prayer.
The counterargument--I do find the music moving and worth medidating in, especially the evening service. There are fewer distractions there and the service is all on the bulletin which is helpful.
*I don't like trying to get to know people that seem to all have well established friends and connections. Others just seem uninterested--though who knows, they may just have different needs. I feel awkward and like I don't have much in common with others there. The nice dress and affluence further create a barrier, as I'm much more comfortable in common clothes and with common people.
*I long to be connected to a group of believers where I can share my struggles and questions about faith and the application of this faith to our broken world. But, I have a hard time connecting to this congregation. Many are nice, but offstandish. Some just want to express themselves and vent. Others are so familiar with Trinity, that they barely recognize I'm there.
*Through my interactions and sermons, I sometimes feel too pushed to the left--not by Scott White, but perhaps by Amy's stern feminist lens. I don't like feeling judged or pushed from any angle or perspective.
*I don't like finding clothes nice enough. This is true even outside of church.
*It feels like an insiders club or an outsiders club of people who identify as "Episcopals" primarily or "members of Trinity" for years.
*There is a lack of curiosity among the members there about other people. The curiosity they have for their spirituality or their art and accomplishments seems their focus.
That's enough for now--maybe next time I will explore why I've stopped attending the Ladie's Bible Study.
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