Psalm 26

So I'm back to meditate on this psalm for the second time in writing. The words of the first line have staying power--"Vindicate me, O Lord," and I've found myself praying them multiple times this week over a variety of personal, relational, community, and global circumstances.

David seemed to master at least this--he knew judgement was in God's realm and respected that.  After cutting the hem of Saul's garment he seeks to move Saul with this truth:

"May the LORD judge between me and you; and may the LORD avenge me on you; but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, 'Out of the wicked comes wickedness'; but my hand shall not be against you." -1 Samuel 24:12-13

If we are able to trust in God's perfect judgement, then there can be nothing better, more freeing, or higher.  Though in the moment, we long to cut off the head of the Sauls in our world, this psalm models where to go for justice--and it's not to ourselves or our ability to discern. 

When I think of all of the big and little judgements that happen in our world, much of the conflict is generated in the spirit of fairness, rightness, precedence, preference.  Giving up that justice, that decision, that verdict, to God feels precarious to me---not in the eternal sense (somehow this is easier to trust) but in the immediate.  I think of C.S. Lewis' statement about how he doesn't doubt that God has our best interests at heart, but that he wonders what it will cost.  This is a bad paraphrase--need to dig it up.

Trust seems to come easier for some people than others. As a person who has worked through--I'm very picky about whom I trust.  I've been working on trusting God since I was a little girl and had seasons of better success than others.  Sadly, in my early  50's, I find myself feeling regressive--that I am visiting some of the tougher issues of faith that hurt to work through in my teens and early adult years.  I don't understand this--it's frustrating to feel that faith can be circular instead of linear.

King David certainly manifested a circular faith though.  His psalms are full of high highs, low lows, bitter truths and simple trust. He makes it feel simple, but it never is walking it out. Even though I cannot always embrace and live out his moments of straightforward and bold faith, they make a way through the waters for me.

I can plead for him to vindicate me, vindicate others, vindicate the broken, overlooked, abused, ignored, and somehow it is freeing and enough to know where to bring this stuff--these difficult pieces of myself and of the world---to know that it's not only ok, but that it's good and expected to lay those at His doorstep, His gate.  And that His justice will be perfect--even if not today.

March 14th, Psalm 26

 "Vindicate me, O LORD, For I have walked in my integrity."  -King David, Psalm 26:1 

Really, Lord?  The word vindicate is a strong way to start an already off Monday morning.  But, in my desire to keep it on the text, and keep the context in the text, and meditate upon that, here we are with "vindicate."

To vindicate is to absolve from false accusation---that's my Monday morning on my second cup of coffee definition. Now for Merriam-Webster's:

Hmmmm.  The #2 definition feels aggressive, jugular, confrontational--throw it down and slay it; an eye for an eye. In contrast, all of the nuances of 1--a, b1, b2, and c feel protective, defensive, a coming alongside. #3 feels cold and legal, neither here nor there #4 feels healing, loose--too bad it's termed obsolete.  Deliverance is a step beyond protection and defense, and certainly a different and better thing than to avenge.

The language of deliverance is a common theme of David's in the psalms. It's also in the Lord's prayer: "deliver us from evil."  That's worth some time.

The connotations of vindication go on and on...

The KJ translates the Hebrew word as judge.  What kind of person is so supremely confident that they start a conversation with God this way? It's ballsy.  He's begging to be judged. 

Judged by God in what way?  Is he suggesting he's entirely innocent? David was chased by Saul and Absalom, but he also sinned big with Bathsheba:

"If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?"  -Psalm 130:3

My hunch is that our cultural understandings and associations with this word are disparate, disjointed.

Strong's definition for שָׁפַט, shâphaṭ (shaw-fat') comes closest to Merriam's #1:

"A primitive root; to judge, that is, pronounce sentence (for or against)."  But all the other senses are possible extensions and implications as well.

The second half of that first verse helps:

"Vindicate me, O LORD, For I have walked in my integrity. I have also trusted in the LORD; I shall not slip."

And there is no time to explore all of THAT this morning, sadly.  David is surely bold--that I've got right. If I had any doubts about the confidence and frankly nerviness of Psalm 26:1, the following verse just confirms it:

Psa 26:2  Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; Try my mind and my heart. 

I admire David's heart to lay it all bear---his spirit to truth tell, to be known.  It's scary though.  Like Adam and Eve, I'm not so sure I want to meet God during His morning walk and talk about my heart.

I want to hide my heart. It feels yucky to me if I'm honest. The world feels scary. My experience is that it will stomp on my heart, and God will allow that. Maybe not facilitate it, but allows it all the same. The harsh nature of this world is unquestionable in my eyes.

So where is David going with this? My time for writing this morning is up....I'll continue my journey into Psalm 26 tomorrow.

March 11, Psalms 25

The psalms, especially David's, anchor me. When my mind threatens to pull and dart away to dark places, David's focus pulls me back.  It's as if he said to his soul---"lets get a few things straight"--tough love from David.

"To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul." Psalm 25:1

To me this means not giving preference or firsts to other events, news, ideologies, perceptions, people, desires, gods in their many faces...first take your soul to God.

"Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day."  -Psalm 25:5

What is the difference between "Your truth" and truth? A matter of perception?  I've witnessed many false truths, some of my own making.  My understanding of the scriptures, of God, and of His truth shifts through study of the scriptures, experiences, conversations, and time.  His truth is not inherently my truth--Lord, close the gap.  I love that we can be lead in His truth, that we are teachable, that He longs to teach us.

"Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses, For they are from of old." Psalm 25:5-6

Sin is old. My screw-ups are numerous. But His tender mercies and lovingkindness are even older.  They go back and back and back...

"Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness' sake, O LORD." Psalm 25:7

I feel David's compassion for himself and for me.  He felt these disparate pieces of himself too---who he was when he was young, when he screwed up, the hot mess of his life unfolding, to his regret, to his renewed desire to seek God amid the wreckage.  Again, the Anchor: "According to Your mercy..."

"Who is the man that fears the LORD? Him shall He teach in the way He chooses." Psalm 25:12

Different people, different methods of teaching.  His choice.

"My eyes are ever toward the LORD...." Psalm 25:15

Ever toward, focus on God--not me--not my untrustworthy understanding. His teaching. His truth. His face.

The In-Betweens

 For some months now I've been in-between things...

In between Bible plans. In between different understandings of the Christian faith with regard to social issues, political issues, my understanding of the functioning of the local church.

In between churches. I don't know if we are even in-between churches, or if this will usher in a different way of living out our Christian faith---apart from traditional local congregations.

In between home plans--cleaning out old things from when our children were younger, preparing to renovate parts of our home, but not sure what we exactly want to do, how much it will cost, how it should be.

In between professional roles--no longer teaching, doing some volunteer work and finding out things about myself and others through that too.

In between balancing the needs of my body and mind better--some days making better choices, moving my body, meditating, focusing my mind, learning to take time for these things and view them as positive. Other days, slouching into old eating habits and comfort zones, sluggish.

In between our children being in our home and on their own--parts of them in each place.

And amid all the in-betweens, aware I am a privileged American--not stretched between multiple jobs or displaced by war, famine, or flood. I have time enough to think about the problems of the world and church which seem legion.   

There is a piece of me that would like to write more, practice this discipline, commit to meditating through writing on His word, The Word, my understanding of the world and Word together.  Today I'm honoring that piece and taking time.  I'm choosing a new plan that will work through the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs.

Here it is for my reference and for whomever may read this and be curious.