June 2024

 In May we joined a local Episcopal congregation officially. It was the next logical and emotional step, and I'm glad we joined. After four years of wandering, it's good to settle.

Settle in both ways?  Maybe.  If I'm honest, I've given up on finding any body of Christians that I can truly connect with in all ways. I find groups of Christians--and unspecific social groups in general--a lot of work. It takes a long time to know a church, a pastor, a person.  So, I am content to join and slowly get to know this congregation and its people, but I am in no rush.

Last post I mentioned that I dislike the term "deconstruction" or the thought that the last five years have been about deconstructing my faith. What verb would I use instead? Assessing. Examining. Sorting. Kneading. I'm not sure still. Whatever it is, it's an active and passive process--a lot of sorting, sifting, wondering, letting things rest, picking them up again, trying new approaches, asking new and old questions in familiar and different ways. It's involved picking up some of what I learned as a Catholic, rejecting some of what I learned as a Southern Baptist. It's a broader pasture I've entered where there is less certainty, but more room for beauty and wonder. It feels roomy, a place where I can catch my breath and just begin to seek God again anew.

It's less about what the church is doing, although I identify as part of my local church. In some sense, if there is a sense in which I've taken apart my faith and put it back together again, the taking apart has involved placing aside all the crazy that I encountered as a "nondenominational" but essentially Southern Baptist Christian.  I literally spent decades trying to connect with and live my faith through this culture. It's been a heavy load and journey--I'm thankful to set it down.

I'm cautious about picking up any new loads....feel pretty against any man-made or directed loads that I don't understand on a literal or metaphysical level. I'd rather experience my faith one day at a time, mostly apart from the waves and wind of cultural expectations and interpretations whether Southern Baptist or dyed in the wool Episcopal.

In what sense do I align myself with this local congregation?  In the sense that they are a touchstone, a center point, a local manifestation of His Kingdom and a place to call home.  Over time, I hope to understand pieces of this church better, to find places to serve that feel both like church and ministry.

Why I Dislike "Deconstruction"

Well, I think part of my dislike for this term goes back to my English Master's program at Clemson.  Back in the early 1990's, "Deconstructionism" and "Postmodern" literary analysis was all the rage.  Honestly, I'm confident I didn't understand it then, and still don't understand it now.  The difference is that I now know enough not to be overly impressed with anyone who waves that flag--it's just another category and word that can mean many things to many people and nothing at all.

As a Christian, I notice the term gaining ground in edgy circles in the last decade. It became fashionable to "deconstruct" one's childhood or adult faith.  If I think of it that way, I certainly had a season of deconstructing my childhood Catholic inheritance, then deconstructed my Pentecostal season.  Somehow in the effort to be "nondenominational" and place an emphasis on the authority and relevance of Biblical scripture and worship, I ended up in the Baptist camp, which is now a dirty word. Not that I disagree.  But all the same, words and still just words and many different noxious or benign things lurk under each.

And how is deconstructing different than growing up?  As we grow into maturity, which is certainly a prime Biblical value.  The apostle Paul is echoing in my mind here, and what a lovely translation:

"This work must continue until we are all joined together in what we believe and in what we know about the Son of God. Our goal is to become like a full-grown man—to look just like Christ and have all his perfection." Ephesians 4:13-ERV

I guess I feel like deconstruction is a slippery term. Are you saying that you are denouncing parts of your faith?  Are you denoucing belief in Christ?  In the authority of scriptures? What exactly are you deconstructing?  

An even more important question is "What are you building or REbuilding?" What do you struggle with and why? What have you come to peace with and take me through your journey and story.  That I can relate to.

But deconstruction, that feels a little pompous and too easy--like one of those toddler boys who ambles along knocking down another child's block tower, often solely for the pleasure of watching the tower fall.

I'm more interested in what you are building.